D’FABULOUS

I've been having moments throughout the last few days about my grandmother. She's been dead now more years than I could calculate. She was my Polish grandmother. The more uptight one, in a way. Yet there was a pretty cool woman under all the social norms she felt she had to present.

She never got to see me as a "real" adult. She died when I was just graduating High School. She loved me most, more than any of her grandchildren and that's really the truth. While I am spectacular, believe me, it wasn't hard to be the best amongst that kennel club.

I am a "real" adult now. Successful and all the things she would have been happy to hear. She was proud of me just for being me, but I'm sure she'd be happy to know I've achieved adding the needless frippery to my life too.

It's when I can buy stuff for my home that I have been thinking about her. She loved to shop. Not particularly for furnishings (like I do), she was way more into clothes, but what I remember about her is the stuff she had in her house. My grandmother's household was 100% a product of that period in the 20th Century where the old started trying to be new. The period we still often encounter today when something new comes out and everyone buys it, but it's not yet been perfected so it wasn't particularly a smooth transition. They were the first people to have a microwave and that large dinosaur of a microwave lasted well into the late 1990's.

Something I did recall yesterday while looking at Target's colorful plastic plate selection is that my grandmother had plastic dinner plates, bowls and coffee cups! They were thick and blue with a sort of matte finish, not shiny. I can't remember if she had any glass plates. She must have. Though it dawned on me that I bet having plastic dinnerware was quite a unique thing in the 50's ... 60's ... 70's, whenever plastic plates would have been first invented. She had a matching blue coffee creamer and sugar bowl too.

Today I suppose plastic dinnerware is a bit cheesy, even though some of those colorful plastic plates from Target caught my eye. There was also something about my grandmother's cutlery. I think it had plastic handles. It's the weirdest thing because I can remember holding them, but I don't know what it was or how it looked. They felt plastic.

That house was always pretty low key. A very quiet atmosphere was always provided there. Nobody ever was quite sure why I enjoyed sleeping over there as a child, because it was so quiet and non-eventful. I don't really know why either. It was a rather large house that my grandfather built. It was on a large farm. If I was anymore adventurous and independent back then I would have had a ball exploring all those acres.

I think she would like my house. Most old people do. My house is like something classy dipped in Salvador Dali. It's like a circus, but far more dark and amusing. I have done things with myself and my surroundings that most older generations always wished they could have done but didn't think they were allowed to. That's pretty cool and that's why I often get lost in thoughts of family history. If nothing more than for knowing I am the sum total of my ancestors and in a lot of cases I have been the end result. A very fulfilling and appropriate end result. From my immigrants in 1753, to my great grandparents, grandparents and parents I think I have made them all proud. I think I am what they all wanted to become or achieve. I think most of us should feel that way.  

"An examination by the Sun shows that the pension fund's $23 billion portfolio contains investments in companies that do business with rogue nations or whose practices contribute to social or environmental ills in direct opposition to United States and Nevada policies." -- Las Vegas Sun

Who are you kidding? What exactly are the practices that we take practice in? Aren't we a rogue nation? Going against what the greater good tells us and going into a war? That's pretty rogue to me.

Then there is our environmental practices. As those million soccer mom commandeered SUVs roaming around our streets isn't contributing to any environmental ills. How about the hundreds of cars I see every day stuck in traffic, most of us with a single person to each vehicle? We don't even have to talk about all the plants dumping nuclear waste or rocket fuel into our biggest water sources.

From as far back as I can remember, a child without much of a social or political opinion, I have always seen that when it comes to this stuff we're always the pot calling the kettle. It doesn't matter which side you're on or where you're standing, we're still all a bunch of hypocrites. If not for acknowledging it, then for not doing any major beans about.

As I was making today's pb&j sandwich I was having this conversation with myself about the strawberry preserves. I only use strawberry as I feel grape is dead common. Additionally I only use preserves or jam, not jelly. Jelly is too hard to spread and it wiggles like jello. I've got something against that.

I digress. I have found that generic Safeway Strawberry Jam is better than generic Walmart Strawberry Preserves. I made the statement that I guess I'd never have known since I was raised on Walmart Strawberry Preserves. Then I thought, hold the phone! Am I telling myself that I am so ridiculously young as to have always had Walmart in my life!?

Thankfully that is not true. I was about ten or so when Walmart came to my town. So I was only raised on Walmart during the years that counted. Ugh.

It is odd though to think that kids these days have no idea how inconvenient it used to be. I remember when they were building that Walmart in my hometown. We had no idea what Walmart was but were very excited to have a store where you could "get everything." It was a big deal for small town folk. I guess it still is.

Unlike the following generation, I do remember how hard it was to get what you wanted at stores before the 'marts came along. Target included. I was having this conversation with a friend last week. She was saying how her dad always says he wishes she had grown up in his time, when things were more simple. She said she was more than happy to live in this time where things are so much more convenient. I'd have to agree.

Just imagine how hard it would be and how many places you'd have to go if we didn't have super stores like that. It's utterly fucking annoying. I know those stores are bad and there was nothing like the Mom n' Pop days, but damn that was difficult!

Yes I shop at Walmart & Target. There is a cell phone attached to my ear. I use air conditioning in the desert and think $3 for gas is cheap. There are starving children dying of AIDS in another country. I know. You know. We know.    

It really flips my pancake when I read through people's profiles on networking sites and I see how they describe themselves. It's either not enough or just far too much self-ego stroking.

You should never say, "I don't know what to say about myself. I don't like talking about myself." Well why not? You should have something to say about yourself. Something good to say. If you think you're not worth writing about then I guess you're worthless. In your eyes. Stop it!

Then we've got people that just go over the top. This is a description that would piss me off, "Hi, I'm a gorgeous tall sexy guy. I'm looking to have fun. I love having fun!" Well, that was vague. I guarantee his fun is not the fun I like to have, so "fun" really doesn't sum up anything. Then there's all those adjectives describing his beauty. He has decided that he is gorgeous and sexy. Well let me tell you, I saw this one's pictures and no he's not.

I am attractive and I love myself, however I'm not particularly sure I'd say I am sexy. Perhaps I'd say I feel sexy, but only at times when I actually feel sexy. Who are you to tell anyone how gorgeous you are? How do you know!? One man's gorgeous is another's garbage. Don't try to sell me yourself based on the description of "I'm sexy." Can you imagine if this was all over the phone and you asked a person to describe themselves? "Well, I'm just gorgeous!" I think most people would laugh their ass off to that statement over the phone.

If you asked people why they thought they were sexy or gorgeous they'd start telling you about their skinny waist, six pack abs, tits like rocks or glamorous Bette Davis eyes. As it's usually those that have been brainwashed by Hollywood that feel since they meet the standards of Hollywood, they have passed some test of social attraction.

These people should say what they really are thinking. "I'm very attracted to myself!" I mean, seriously, these people must give themselves a hard-on. Which is actually rather great, but they should just say that instead of all that other business. There is no definition of gorgeous or sexy. Yet people seem to think it has a very set list of standards.
 
I don't think that shit is very sexy. I don't think it's gorgeous much. Actually, I bet I would find it attractive if you didn't brag about it so much. "Look at my six pack abs! This took me forever! Look at them, aren't they sexy!?"  Well they would have been if you didn't care so much about a bundle of over exaggerated muscles.
 
Oh and what about those personal ads in which someone states, "Only contact me if you're hot." How do I know if I'm hot to you!? Do I judge this by looking at you and figuring that since I look nothing like you I am indeed ugly as sin? Since that's how it appears.

I was once told that people (gay men especially) only want who they are. As in the skinny hairless guys want skinny hairless guys and the big buff ones only want big buff ones. At the time I felt this was ridiculous. Who wants what they already have? Not me. I want what I don't have. It's what I have always looked for in both genders when I am looking for a partner.

There really is something to be said about finding someone that completes you. I don't want to look in a mirror when I look into my partner. I want to feel that they make up for all the things I lack and I do the same for them. Together we are a complete puzzle. Finding that person means that I have found someone that makes me a bigger better person with them there. You should have qualities, physically and mentally, that I do not have. I have enough fun with myself, alone. I can eat a meal alone and totally entertain myself. I please myself in plenty of ways just fine. I don't need to find another me to do that. I need a full length mirror to do that, not a person.

For some reason people seem to be hell bent on finding themselves. I want someone to fill in everything I am not. I wouldn't mind a skinny or buff guy, as I am neither. I wouldn't mind a really book smart tom-boy woman, because I am not that either. Opposites are wonderful. Especially if you can debate constantly while still being so in love. It's fantastic.

People have definitely gotten away from that. All this "no drama/no baggage" business in the world of romance. Nobody wants a good fight anymore. Nobody wants a challenge. There is no mystery anymore. A good partner that is totally different. Someone to disagree with and still love. Somebody that doesn't look like yourself. A complex individual. Suddenly "complex" has become synonymous with "scary crazy baggage."

The other evening at that concert I went to there were mostly gay men. Most seemed to be coupled. Almost every pair was exactly the same. They had the same hair cut, same glasses and wore the same type of clothing. I just kept seeing example after example of this and all I could think is ... this is just wrong. This is wrong on a pod people level.

Cyndi Lauper

Last night I attended the debut of the True Colors tour here in Las Vegas. It was a fantastic show that I would absolutely recommend buying the highest price tickets for. The Dresden Dolls were amazing and I've now fallen in love with Brian Viglione. Everyone on the tour was amazing and I just can't get enough of Deborah Harry.

The most moving part was with Rosie O'Donnell. She's so funny and fabulous. I love her to bits. I love how she accepts herself and kind of urges fat acceptance. We need more people to make it clear that no matter what we look like, no matter why we look the way we look, it's perfectly okay.

As she kind of grabbed her tummy she said she loved every inch. She accepts her body. I think we'd all be a lot better off if we just continued onward not trying desperately to change ourselves. There is the health angle of it all but I think that's such nonsense.

Seriously, while my fat may kill me, I'd put more money on my liver shutting me down first. The society is so hell bent on looking skinny like Paris Hilton. Well, look at where it got her!

People care too much. People invest too much of themselves into the wrong causes. If you ever did something above and beyond your breaking point, then you've probably cared too much. I don't think we're meant to do that if we don't want to.

The Pet Peeve of this Entry: An individual born into a family and brainwashed that family is the most important thing. This individual throws away over half their hopes and dreams because they believe they are indebted to their family. The family keeps getting deathly ill and one by one this person believes they are responsible to take care of every dying family member, one after the other. Soon this person is dying themselves and the only thing they've done their entire life was "played nurse."

I've seen it happen one too many times. I have had way too many friends that have cut their own life short to make the deaths of people they can't stand more comfortable. We normally have a love/hate relationship with our birth families. I say, if you hate them, get the hell away from them! I.e. your mother has done nothing but treat you like shit all your life. Your mother gets cancer and calls you up to tell you. Your reaction is not to say, "Die bitch, die." Instead you rush to her side and take care of her throughout her last lengthy painful days. Why? Because it's your duty as her child? Since she was a bitch to you and threw you in the closet as a child? That's logical.

The Facts as I Know Them: Your birth family is 100% metaphorically disposable. We are born and the rest is drag, families included. If you don't like them, they why are you keeping them around? They raise you, you move out, you disown them and get yourself a new family. Friends are our family. A friend will get your back because they want to. A family member will get your back only because they feel they have to and that it may benefit them in the long run.

You should never waste your life taking care of someone else if you don't want to. That want should be clear as day and it should never leave you thinking, "Why am I doing this? I could be doing something much better." It is not your duty to care for anyone but yourself. This is why we, the people of our government, have set up services to care for the ill, disabled and unwanted. Yes I know these systems do not work. However they are supposed to and perhaps we need to fix them. That's something to dedicate a life to.

Why I Think So: I am a strong person, thus far fully functional in all the ways I need to be. I am dedicated to myself and my survival — alone. If I were to fall ill or unfortunately forever damaged, the last thing on my mind would be having someone else take care of me. I wouldn't expect it. I would expect the government to poorly take care of me. That's about it.

The Rub: I freak out a bit when I see people that expect to be taken care of. Back before I left my extended birth family I ran into this following scenario quite a bit. We had Old-As-Dirt Family Member A lose their partner. Soon Old-As-Dirt Family Member A got sick themselves. Instead of shipping OADFMA to the hospital or nursing home the family declared "they take care of their own!" Which is all well and good, but what ensued was six years of OADFMA wreaking absolute havoc on about up to a dozen lives, because everyone was burdened. OADFMA's slow death caused three people to have mental break downs, one to start getting gray hairs, another to drink way too much and another to end up on so many anti-depressants it wasn't funny. Now you tell me, was caring for their own, that one single old life, worth the pain & pressure it caused the people trying to manage it? I reckon not.

What's the Point!?: Stop caring for people you don't want to. It's not your job. Would you want someone that hates you taking care of you? If you think you deserve other people's kindness you're wrong. People are responsible, as cosmic creatures, to spread love and happiness. Though I don't think it's a requirement, nor anything you should add to your list of basic level expectations.

Take some responsibility for yourself. We all should. If we all did there would be less of this crap. Not only that, but start to assume other people should be more responsible. We are not children. 

What are your deal breakers in a relationship?

The bar has been raised ever since my ex-husband. There was a time, pre-him, that all I wanted was someone to love and to come home to. I wanted to bake cookies and have someone appreciate them. I needed a snuggle buddy. A partner that would stand by me. The rest was really quite negotiable.

Then I learned that the bar needs to be raised. You need to go for your highest expectation. As even if you find someone to bake cookies for, they might generally suck because eating your cookies, a good man, does not make.

I compare all men to my Norwegian friend. He came, conquered, snuggled and left. He was beautiful, smart and caring. He listened to me. Not only did he do all that but he worshipped me with an understanding that the more you gave me, the more I would give back. This man showed me that there may be some men out there that actually use their brains and bodies properly (not as some sex symbol or over-orgasmic piece of equipment).

The deal breakers are people I don't find attractive. People I wouldn't be willing to have sex with. Men that can't be honest with themselves, let alone me. People that don't eat cookies. Guys that tell me they'll, "help with that weight problem." Someone that can't talk to me. Someone that looks at me as if I'm an alien and that it's a bad thing.  Someone that doesn't understand Zodiac signs. A man or woman that is too horny to do anything but. Someone that doesn't dig art. A person that can't kiss worth shit. Dare I add anyone under the age of 23? I haven't decided firmly on that one yet, but it looks like a good idea.

As a moral to this story I have to tell you that if you desire someone to just enjoy your company, cookies and want snuggles you need not reach farther than a good friend. To continue talking like Yoda, good friends a husband does not usually make. If you want to be appreciated, you don't want a partner, you want a best friend. Give it a try and if you can't find one, look me up.

Freakin' Jesus

I just read this Bulletin on Myspace that was posted with the subject of "Sadness." The body of it asked that if it had said "Jesus Christ our Lord" would I have opened it? Well, no, I wouldn't have. I read on as to see the point. There was none. It was a Bulletin of people signing their names and admitting they loved Jesus. Some people left comments with their names. These are some of the comments:

• I am very proud to add my name! God Bless Everyone.
• Im proud to put my name on here.
• If you read this and did not put ur name on it u should be ashamed.
• Im a jesus freak...he has done so much for me n i would do anything 4 him....u should 2!!!its the least u could do!
• I Love Jesus Christ Sooo Much, I had to send this out..
• I love him with all of my heart and Soul.
• Just can't do anything without Him.
  
• I DON'T NORMALLY DO BULLETINS, BUT I JUST FELT LIKE GOD WAS TESTING ME.
• This is a pretty big list, didnt think so many ppl had tha guts.
• GOD is my life and he is always there for me and if you don't know him just look me up and i'll tell you what you need to know so you can get to know the you person, or sprit whatever you want to call him, that will never leave me or you......... so you can talk to me.
  
• Jesus is Hardcore, do you take nails in your hands?
• Thank you Jesus!

Burger King

Maybe they are, but what about yourselves? I used to be that Jesus freak. Not a Jesus freak, but a God freak. I used to think I had no power and that it was all in the hands of my creator. Well, as far as I can figure my general creator was my mother and she ain't got nothin' on me.

I do believe in God. Plural or singular I'm sure there is a quilt of love out there on a cosmic level and that it all "means something." Yet no one controls me. While the flow of the Universe may eb and/or flow in my direction, I'm the one that's swimming. It doesn't matter if all my entire life has been made up for me or predestined. It doesn't matter. I'm. Still. Swimming.

I was sitting a booth away from a bunch of older women today in a restaurant that were talking about praising Jesus and how you can't possibly live without. They kept talking all this bullshit about the Holy Spirit being your right hand man. It made me pissed off and seemed to make some of my table rather uncomfortable. So I talked about the need for Satanism in everyone's life. It helped, even though they were too old and stupid to hear me. It helped me. It probably enlightened my table. It always tickles me that when I describe a Satanist I could actually be describing a Christian if I left out direct terms.

It's a bunch of bullshit. Have some faith in yourselves. It's a distraction! You spend all that time talking about Jesus, praying to God, spewing sensless prayers you were taught as a child and you've forgotten all about yourself! To think you doubt that you have the same power as god ... as Jesus did. We're all Jesus. I've read the book. I've been a believer. Jesus was a psychic magician whom just happened to be about as smart as "people like me."

There  are so far 1069 people that signed this Myspace Bulletin with crap like I've listed. A list of 1069 people that don't have nearly as much faith in themselves as they should. What a shame. You believe in the invisible more than you believe in yourselves! I wish I could reply to all of them, just to make them angry enough to think with the brain God gave them.

If you think someone or any spirit has any more power over you than you - yourself - does, then I question your ability to think. Pick it up people , you are your personal Jesus. You were born alone and you'll die alone. It's cool to think your ship of life is co-piloted, but you suck if you think someone else is driving.

It's so easy to be nice. I'm not sure why more people don't do it. What's the problem with saying 'hello' to someone you don't know? And why is it when I smile and say so to a random stranger on the street, six out of ten people will turn away. I'd get a better reaction if I called them an egg sucker.

I had a new neighbor move in down stairs and I spoke with her quite openly when they were moving in. At first I was apprehensive as you never know who you're talking to, but soon it was a relief that we said hello. She is an elderly woman. I am a young something or another. Now don't we both feel better that we've spoken and know a little bit about who we're living near? Of course we do. If we hadn't said hello and struck up a conversation she'd be "that bitter old bitch" and I'd be "that young snot that thinks he's somebody." Now we know different. Yet some neighbors will move in and not say a word to you. Which leads you to make up terrible stories about what horrible wastes of air they must be.

I meet such fascinating people just because I'm not afraid to talk to everyone. Yesterday I met a lovely woman and her dog, Bubbles. The other day I got a heart warming conversation with an middle aged gay man walking a dog that looked like it cost a fortune. My world is much better off when I speak to people than when I don't. I think that's what a lot of our problems stem from in this country. Everyone has been taught to live in a bubble.

As I was writing this I realized I talk to strangers. Mother always said don't talk to strangers. Is that what has ruined our social interaction skills? We couldn't do it as children so let's not do it now that the risk of being kidnapped is lower? I remember we practically would hide out in my childhood home. Not only did we not answer the door to strangers, but we didn't answer the door to anyone else either. We'd sneak peeks out the windows trying to see who it is. Now that I'm grown I have to ask WTF BATMAN!? How come we didn't just open the door and say, "Hello! How can I help you?"

No communication makes us assume the worst about each other. It can all be compared to the deconstruction of a romantic relationship. Your partner stops talking to you as much. You immediately assume they don't like you as much or are hiding things from you. Soon you stop talking to them and they start thinking the same about you. Then you both agree to break up, leaving each other and all the while the only problem was that you stopped talking. In reality that rarely means someone hates you, but we always think it does.

We don't bring cakes or pies to new neighbors anymore because they'll just throw them out thinking we poisoned them. Right? Well, maybe we should start bringing candles or flowers. I just wish everyone would be nice and communicate again. It would solve a lot of problems. You'd know who you live next to or shop next to. At least you'd have a good idea, besides the convoluted shit you make up about everyone in your head.

All I know is that my nice reactions are stifled because people really aren't persuaded to be nice anymore.  Being nice to someone could end up a total tragedy these days because, "why are you talking to me!? Get away from me!" And I don't like being stifled. It sucks.